Emotionally Happier Children Part III

02/24/2011

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Want to boost children’s confidence? Let them make mistakes.

Let them make new mistakes.

Discovering yet another repeated mistake makes us want to tear our hair out. But new mistakes are different.

New mistakes are fun.

Getting something wrong means one gets an opportunity right here, right now, to learn that the current method doesn’t work. So we'd better figure something else out.

For children, it’s important they don’t get frustrated then give up. Encourage them to seek clues and ways to fix that problem. And they'll remember this proudly.

At my cart this past Tuesday, I saw how a mother encouraged her 5-year-old son in solving one of our spot-the-difference puzzles: her approach was gentle but firm. Whenever he got one correct, she praised him with a soft ‘Well-done,’ or an ‘Okay, good … and the next one?’ When he hovered on the edge of a mistake, neither his mother nor I hastened to prevent him from making that mistake. We just let him make it.

And then his mother asked him if he was sure, he said ‘no,’ and began to search carefully for the last difference between the pictures. We gave him a little clue to guide him, nothing too obvious because that would push him to rely on others in finding answers. And that little man did manage to solve the puzzle after all!    

So loosen the reins of preventing mistakes. New mistakes. This is absolutely one of the best ways to fuel self-confidence: train children to dare to make new mistakes then learn from them.

Here are few quotes on Confidence and Making Mistakes that I love:

· Confidence comes not from always being right but from not fearing to be wrong.  ~Peter T. Mcintyre

· You have brains in your head.
You have feet in your shoes.
You can steer yourself in any direction you choose.
You're on your own.
And you know what you know.
You are the guy who'll decide where to go.
~Dr. Seuss

· I am not afraid of storms for I am learning how to sail my ship.  ~Louisa May Alcott

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Emotionally Happier Children Part II

02/17/2011

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“A child who believes in their own ability is more likely to succeed at school than a child with natural ability who lacks belief in themselves.”
Anthony Gunn, psychologist specializing in treating anxiety

The 2 S.E.s & the 5 Emotional Needs

Self-esteem refers to a person’s sense of self-worth. Children with low self-esteem tend to feel they aren’t valuable, especially to the important adults in their lives. They might frequently say things like, ‘I’m not good enough;’ ‘I can’t do anything right,’ etc.

Yet, self-esteem isn’t the same as self-efficacy. The former is about a person’s sense of self-worth while the latter is defined as a person’s perception about his/her ability to reach a goal. So if your child expresses low self-confidence in completing or attempting a particular task, e.g. performing in a class show or reading aloud, it is a sign of low self-efficacy. This doesn’t necessarily mean your child perceives him/herself as an unworthy person.

Both self-esteem and self-efficacy are crucial for children to feel emotionally healthy and happy. To help our children attain good emotional health, there are, according to Dr. Newmark (co-founder of The Children’s Project; teacher; consultant; researcher; and author of How to Raise Emotionally Healthy Children: Meeting the Five Critical Needs of Children … and Parents Too!), 5 critical emotional needs we need to pay attention to. Below are the 5 parts summarized from Dr. Newmark’s book:

1) The need to feel respected:
“One of the best ways for children to learn about respect is to feel what it’s like to be treated respectfully and to observe their parents and other adults treating one another the same way.

If we want children to grow up feeling respected and treating others with respect, we need to avoid sarcasm, belittling, yelling: we need to keep anger and impatience to a minimum; we need to avoid lying; we need to listen more and talk less; we need to command less and suggest and request more; we need to learn how to say ‘please,’ ‘thank you,’ ‘excuse me,’  ‘I’m sorry’ – yes, even to children.”

2) The need to feel important:
“Feeling important refers to a child’s need to feel: “I have value. I am useful. I have power. I am somebody … Parents need to avoid being all powerful, solving all family problems, making all decisions,  doing all the work, controlling everything that happens. Involve your children – ask their opinions; give them things to do; share decision-making and power; give them status and recognition; and have patience with mistakes when it takes a little longer or is not done as well as you could have done yourself.”

3) The need to feel accepted:
“… children have a right to their own feelings, opinions, ideas, concerns, wants and needs. Trivializing, ignoring or ridiculing a child’s feelings or opinions is a rejection which weakens the relationship. Paying attention to and discussing them, even when you do not like or disagree with some, strengthens the relationship.”

4) The need to feel included:
“Children need to feel included. They need to be brought in, to be made to feel a part of things, to feel connected to other people, to have a sense of community … People who do things together feel closer to one another. Family activities offer a way to become closer and also to have fun, learn, and contribute to others.”

5) The need to feel secure:
“Security means creating a positive environment where people care for each other and show it, where people express themselves and others listen, where differences are accepted and conflicts are resolved constructively, where enough structure exists for children to feel safe and protected, and where children have opportunities to actively participate in their own and family evolution through family planning and decision making, problem solving and feedback activities.”

[An extended excerpt on these 5 emotional needs is available here: http://www.emotionallyhealthychildren.org/freeresourcesmedia/five_needs.pdf]

Assess your child’s well-being using Dr. Newmark’s survey, too: http://www.emotionallyhealthychildren.org/freeresourcesmedia/well-being_survey.pdf Check which areas he/she needs more assistance in. Is it in the area of respect? Or the need to feel included? Make a checklist so that there's a more focused direction in helping your child.

Good health to you and your child. See you all next week!

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Emotionally Happier Children Part I

02/10/2011

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Picture

Were you ever a shy, awkward or moody child? Did you used to get upset or feel anxious in situations where you doubted yourself, had low self-confidence or suffered poor self-esteem? Became angry and defeated by the gloom in your head?

Wouldn’t you give what you have now to prevent from crumbling then?

Children have fragile self-esteem, too. Each time one of my students expresses a dip in self-confidence, or a lack in belief in their potential, I wish there’s more I could tell them than merely ‘You can do this. You have to believe it.’

If there’s one thing I wish for them, it is that they realize just how wonderfully good-enough they are now, and how great they can be if only they trust themselves and their world.  

Dr. Gerald Newmark (co-founder of The Children’s Project; teacher; consultant; researcher; and author of How to Raise Emotionally Healthy Children: Meeting the Five Critical Needs of Children … and Parents Too!) describes the neglect of children’s emotional health as “‘a missing agenda’ that jeopardizes the future of our children and our society.”

In this, and the next 3 posts (coming to you every week), I’ll delve into the topic of helping our children grow stronger and develop more self-confidence, and hence rosier emotional health. If you have any experience in this area, whether you are a young parent, an educator or a child psychologist, we’d greatly appreciate your suggestions on how we can build emotionally happier children.

Till next week then!

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